When you first start caring for a parent, it can feel like you need to get organized immediately.
Medication at 8:00. Breakfast at 8:30. Shower at 9:00. Laundry on Monday. Change the sheets on Tuesday. Maybe you need a big calendar on the refrigerator and a beautifully organized schedule telling everybody exactly what happens and when.
I wouldn’t start there.
Before you create a caregiving routine, learn the person you’re caring for.
If it’s Mom, this is still Mom’s life. If it’s Dad, this is still Dad’s house. They had a routine long before you stepped in, even if that routine isn’t written anywhere and even if parts of it aren’t working quite as well as they used to.
Your first job isn’t to replace their routine with yours.
It’s to figure out what their routine already is.
Give Yourself a Little Time to Watch
Whenever I started with someone new, I gave myself about a week to learn them.
I talked to them. I talked to their family. And mostly, I watched.
What time did they naturally get up?
What did they do first?
When did they eat?
Did they shower in the morning, or had they always preferred bathing at night?
Did they nap after lunch?
What did they like doing around the house?
What had they always done themselves?
What were they still perfectly capable of doing?
And what were they struggling with that maybe nobody had quite addressed yet?
I always had a notebook with me. I would write things down as I noticed them—not because I was conducting some formal assessment, but because you aren’t going to remember every little thing you learn during those first few days.
And I generally didn’t outwardly change much during that first week unless something was unsafe.
I was learning their rhythm.
Don’t Take Over Just Because You Can
This is a big one.
When someone’s children step in because Mom or Dad needs help, it’s incredibly easy for helping to turn into taking over.
Suddenly everybody is telling Mom what she shouldn’t be doing anymore.
Don’t carry that.
Don’t use the stairs.
Don’t cook that.
I’ll do the laundry.
I’ll handle your medications.
Give me the bills.
You shouldn’t be driving.
You can’t do that anymore.
Imagine having somebody tell you every twenty minutes that you’re no longer capable of doing something you’ve been doing for the last 50 years.
They know they’re getting older.
They know things are changing.
They know their kids are worried enough that somebody had to step in.
And they may not be particularly happy about any of it.
There can be embarrassment in that. Fear. Anger. Shame. A very understandable feeling that control of their own life is starting to slip away.
This is still their home. Let them be the king or queen of the castle.
If Mom can safely do something and she enjoys doing it, why take it away from her?
Keep the Things That Still Work
Edie loved washing dishes.
She’d stand at the sink washing them while singing along with the radio. She was perfectly capable of doing it, she enjoyed it, and it was something she’d probably done for most of her life.
Could I have washed the dishes faster?
Of course.
Who cares?
My being faster didn’t mean I needed to take the job away from her.
The same goes for folding laundry, setting the table, watering plants, making part of breakfast, feeding the dog, vacuuming, choosing clothes or whatever else Mom or Dad can still safely do.
These things aren’t just chores.
They’re normal life.
And normal life becomes pretty damn important when other parts of life are changing.
Safety Is Different
There were things I would address immediately.
If I saw someone carrying a laundry basket while teetering on the stairs, I wasn’t going to spend a week observing that.
But I also didn’t have to say:
“You can’t do laundry anymore because you’re going to fall.”
I could say something more like:
“Listen, I’m a worrywart. I’ve seen too many people fall down stairs and break their necks. Will you please let me carry that for you?”
Same laundry basket.
Same stairs.
Same safety problem solved.
Completely different message.
Safety has to be dealt with swiftly, but not rudely.
You don’t have to constantly remind someone of what they can no longer do in order to keep them safe.
Sometimes you can simply help.
Build Your Routine Around Theirs
Once I knew someone’s rhythm, then I started figuring out my routine.
And that’s an important distinction.
Not everything I needed to accomplish had to become part of Edie’s schedule.
Edie might happily wash every dish in the house, but that didn’t mean the kitchen floor was getting mopped. When I first came to her, there were household jobs that hadn’t been done in a very long time.
Those became part of my schedule.
Monday became floor-mopping day.
Not because Monday is the internationally recognized day for mopping floors. It just worked.
I’d wash the sheets in the morning. After lunch, Edie would wash the lunch dishes because that’s what she liked doing. By then, sheets and towels were coming out of the dryer.
I could put a pile of warm laundry in the living room for her to fold while I mopped the kitchen.
She was doing something familiar that she was perfectly capable of doing.
I was getting something done that needed doing.
Nobody needed a clipboard and a whistle.
If I was supervising a shower, I might clean the toilet while I was already there.
I basically made it up as I went along until I had a system that worked.
That’s what a caregiving routine can look like.
Pay Attention to the Little Things
A person’s routine isn’t just meals, medications, bathing and bedtime.
It’s also the stuff that makes their life their life.
Favorite television programs.
A phone call from a friend.
Church on Sunday.
The newspaper with breakfast.
Sitting outside after lunch.
A particular radio station while doing dishes.
A daughter who visits every Tuesday.
Those things belong in the routine too.
In the winter, Edie could be in bed by 6:30 at night.
Except Saturday.
Pennsylvania Polka came on at 7:00, and we NEVER missed Pennsylvania Polka.
I wasn’t going to decide that consistency required putting her to bed at 6:30 on Saturday because that’s what we did the other six nights.
Why?
She liked her show.
So every Saturday at 7p we watched and sang along with Pennsylvania Polka, just like she had done for the last 20 years with her husband.
That’s the difference between having a routine and running somebody’s home like a facility.
Learn the Patterns Behind the Schedule
After you’ve been caring for Mom or Dad for a while, you start noticing more than what time things happen.
You notice patterns.
Maybe Dad is sharpest in the morning, so that’s a better time to deal with something that requires concentration.
Maybe Mom gets exhausted around 1:00 or 2:00 every afternoon.
Maybe she gets hungry and starts looking for snacks at 3:00.
Maybe there’s a particular time of day when someone with dementia becomes more anxious or restless.
Once you know those patterns, you can start working with them instead of constantly being surprised by them.
That doesn’t mean every day will go according to plan.
It absolutely will not.
It means you’ve learned enough about the person to have a reasonable idea of what usually works.
Routine Shouldn’t Mean Rigidity
If Monday is floor day and Monday turns into a complete shitshow, mop the floor Tuesday.
The floor will survive.
Some parts of caregiving aren’t particularly flexible. A medication may need to be given at a particular time. A doctor’s appointment is when the doctor scheduled it. Some medical or safety needs can’t wait until everybody feels like dealing with them.
But plenty of everyday things can move.
If Mom slept terribly and normally showers first thing in the morning, maybe today isn’t the morning to insist on a shower because the schedule says so.
The routine is there to make life easier.
Nobody should become a prisoner of it.
Let Them Keep Making Choices
Independence doesn’t necessarily mean someone can still do everything without help.
Sometimes independence means they still get a say.
What do you want for breakfast?
Which shirt do you want to wear?
Do you want to shower now or after lunch?
Do you want to fold these towels?
Would you rather sit outside or watch television?
Those choices may sound small, but think about how many choices you make every day without anybody else’s permission.
Now imagine slowly losing them.
Whenever it’s reasonable and safe, leave some decisions where they belong—with the person whose life you’re helping with.
Expect the Routine to Change
The routine that works beautifully today may not work six months from now.
That’s caregiving.
Mobility changes. Sleep changes. Medications change. Health changes. Dementia progresses. Something Mom could do safely last year may become difficult. Something Dad used to enjoy may stop holding his interest.
Keep watching.
If something that used to work suddenly doesn’t, don’t immediately decide Mom is being stubborn or Dad is being difficult.
Ask yourself what changed.
Is the task physically harder now?
Is this happening at the wrong time of day?
Is he tired?
Is she in pain?
Is something in the environment bothering her?
Has there been a medication or health change?
Sometimes the routine needs adjusting because the person has changed.
That’s okay.
The Routine Should Still Feel Like Their Life
There is no perfect caregiving schedule.
There isn’t even one correct way to build one.
Mom may be up at the ass crack of dawn and ready for breakfast while you’re still trying to remember your own name.
Dad may have hated mornings for the last 80 years and see absolutely no reason to start liking them because you bought a caregiving planner.
Learn your person.
Keep the parts of their life that still work.
Help with the parts that don’t.
Deal with safety problems without making them feel incapable.
Create your own systems behind the scenes for the things you need to keep track of.
And give the routine enough flexibility to accommodate an actual human being.
A good caregiving routine gets the important things done without making Mom or Dad feel like a guest in their own life.